Love’s Journal #28

Today was a productive day. The kids enjoyed the sunshine and I rearranged my room. It was feeling a little cluttered and without a desk chair the desk had just become a clutter spot.

I didn’t do much but it made a huge difference. I can sit on the bed and use the desk. The dresser is in the closet. All of my husband’s things fit behind or under the bed. There’s still plenty of room for me to do yoga. The kids no longer trip over Gilbert (my metal peacock) going in and out!

Gilbert is now safely tucked in a corner keeping watch.

Busted! They’re not supposed to climb on the fence…..

Lil Miss 10 amazes me again with her creativity!

Love these kiddos!

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

Sure hope my next journal entry is about mail call.

Speaking of mail call, I forgot to take pics but Lil Miss 10 wrote a letter, a poem, and drew pictures for my Lovie and Lil Mr. 7 drew him pictures of a race car driving through a ring of fire! He is going to be so surprised 🙂

Well, I’m beat! Just got back from a very cold mailbox and now I’m off to Dream Land where my Lovie holds me tight!

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

Love’s Deep Waters

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Red or Blue?-randomness

This is an absolute no brainer for me. My husband would probably choose to go back. He talks about wanting to go back and make better choices. For him, that would probably be very beneficial. However his decisions affect me and my decisions affect him.

Which would you choose?

Personally I would fast forward. I would love the money to be in the bank which means I’d be financially stable and self reliant. If I were 45 then it would mean my husband would be home soon and we could pick up where we left off! Unless of course he swallowed the red pill which would mean we’d both go back and grow up together.

Which is more important to you, a redo? Or A fast forward button?

L.D.W

Love’s Journal #27

Still no word from Lovie 😔

I took a day to kinda chill. I borrowed the car to check the mail at my former address. Nuthin. I chilled some more. Wrote a letter that is too blunt to send. I’m strongly considering canceling my May trip plans.

I think I should focus on getting us a phone before anything else! Zero communication is terrible on an already wounded marriage!

I took Mr. out shopping again since he’s sight impaired. He told me that I was the good in all the bad. Almost made me cry! Get back and Mrs. (still recovering from flu) said she doesn’t know what they’d do without me.

They call me a Blessing.

I’m not used to kind words.

Love’s Deep Waters

Love’s Journal #26

As I lie on my bed my hands tingle, my neck and back ache, and my toes are cramping! But ya know what? I made it.

Even though I took some wrong turns, traveled down a few bad roads, got chased by a few chickens, and became so exhausted that I just wanted to give up, I made it home!

Just a little 5 mile or so reminder from God that He’s going to be with my husband and I every step of this sentence and we will make it home together!

Love’s Deep Waters

Cries from Beyond-poetry

(Photo by Maren Klemp)

We hear her moaning, coming from outside
Moonlit ripples dance along the tide
The fog rolls across the waves
Her desperate cries seem to echo from the caves
She stands in a mist with darkened eyes
No tears are seen but we hear her cries
She searches the shore every night
Floating across with her dress of white
We wonder if perhaps she is a bride
Broken by a man’s ruthless pride
Maybe the darkness closed her in
Or she was washed a way, never to be seen again
All we know is what we hear and see
As the tide comes in
Her sad chorus rings

2018 Love’s Deep Waters

This image has played in my head for years. I think I’ve seen it in a dream. Finally I was able to put it to words!

Because, Love-my story

On November 17, 2016, tragedy shook my 3 year old marriage. My husband was arrested on felony charges partly due to his own mental disabilities, at a time that we were both lost in grief after multiple miscarriages and one fatal accident which took our son during the second trimester.

My husband and I had been through so much together! But as couples who are hurting sometimes do, we began to spend less and less time together. As his caregiver and legal payee(he lacks the mental ability to even handle his own check), I feel I should have done more to help him, but I was selfishly wrapped up in my own pain. It looked as if there was no hope for our marriage as my husband began to spiral and self medicate.

Then came his arrest.

Feeling overwhelmed and completely alone with no friends or family, I fell to my knees and asked God “What do I do?”

I looked up into the trees and noticed that the twigs had somehow fallen part of the ways down, forming a perfect heart. “Love him,” I heard a voice say.

My husband is now in prison and we are both heart broken. We have been communicating through a piece of glass since that day last November. He was taken December 12, 2017 and I haven’t seen or heard him since. Some days were sad, other days were happy. He had to deal with my emotions. I had to deal with his Bipolar mood swings and natural childishness that goes along with his disabilities. Through it all, we grew closer.

It’s very hard to watch a 40 year old man, cry like a child and say “I just wanna go home,” when no one in the world cares about him except for you. He is shattered. For the longest he was confused at what he’d done wrong. He has had time to think now and understands his wrongs, but he still doesn’t understand why he can’t come home.

I feel until I can afford a “real” lawyer who will take a strong look at his mental status, there is little I can do except love him and keep him comfortable. (update: his lawyer allowed him to plea out to the judge so it would take a hellofa good lawyer to reopen his case now). He was sentenced the MAX for his points.

It is like watching a loved one suffer from a horrible disease, hoping all along they will get well. The life is draining from this once vibrant man and it is the fear of being in prison that is doing it. He has gone through prison before (with no support),and the therapists there were moving for incompetency but someone blocked it from the looks of the records.

He was diagnosed with NOS Autism at the age of 23, and those records have since gone missing. I will fight for my Love, because no matter who researches him online and reads what a paper wrote, and thinks they know everything – I know his heart. I know his love for God and his love for me.

That is not to say that his actions did not cause a wound in my heart. I have suffered greatly, spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically. In short “he destroyed me”, but I am strong and I know God wants me to forgive him and love him. I cannot bear to imagine a tomorrow without my husband. He is my world. I will not call his actions “a mistake”, but he did make some very wrong choices based off of his “super man mentality” and his child-like mind.

The state has locked away a man who cannot verbally or physically defend himself. He has been threatened many times this past year! Once while we were talking on the phone, someone threatened him because he owed them a Ramen Noodle Soup! God takes care of my husband. He watches over him. An older man stepped forward, having seen the disruption, and gave the man a soup to close the debt. People have always stepped forward to protect, defend, and befriend my husband because — they look at his heart.

Love’s Deep Waters