My daughter was twelve, I believe, about to turn thirteen the following April. She and I had just gotten home from having a fabulous time of Christmas shopping and mother/daughter bonding. As we approached the door, the ever present darkness began to hover thick in the air. I turned the door knob and my daughter burst into the house, still bubbly from the excitement of Christmas. She quickly sensed the change in mood and went to her room.
“Check your email,” he said nonchalantly.
I brushed it off. I continued going about my business, trying to show him what was in our shopping bags, trying to include him in on our family, our holiday.
“Check your email,” was his only response.
I felt nothing as I read an email marked from my husband requesting an end of our thirteen and half year marriage. My heart didn’t sink. I had no intentions of resisting the freedom he had finally allotted us from his years of brutality and control.
“I want my girl and I want my dog,” is all I said. With that, we became a business transaction.
Fast forward a few months and a few terrible mistakes later. Having been engaged at seventeen, married at eighteen, and a mother by nineteen, I had no idea how to be single. I longed for love but all I found was lust. I have since had to come to terms with my past, learning that living a life of forgiveness as a whole, means one must first forgive and love themselves.
Thankfully there is not too much to forgive. August 6, 2012, that following Summer, I met a man online from another state. He too had a past. From the beginning, we connected at the heart. Before our bodies could embrace, we explored each other through the words of a few letters and the thousands of texts and phone calls in our relationship. My husband and I share a very special bond, one that often clings by a single strand, but we have learned that the strand that holds us together is surely made of pure gold!
In this blog I will be sharing the story of our relationship and how I wake up every single day alone and choose love over unforgiveness. I will share my vast collection of poetry and the books I am working on as I learn the meaning of “holding it down”. I write my words with passion, often through tear filled eyes, and pause as the waves of grief and heartache fill my soul.
I have been ridiculed, betrayed, and abandoned. Still, I know what love isn’t and I know what love is. If I can encourage one person who’s heart is struggling with finding the strength to forgive and continue to love through the hard times, then maybe all of this pain will make a little more sense.
Thank you so much for reading! Please feel free to follow this blog to join us on our journey of faith,hope,love, and incarceration.
Love’s Deep Waters